An ADHD Marriage
My wife Yvonne and I have been together for ten years and I could not imagine being with anyone else. I put her needs before my own and neither I, nor she have to work at it. It just happens purely by instinct. We have what you might call an ADHD marriage, I am ADHD and she is ADHD. We do not work at our marriage because we are the best of friends. The two of us genuinely have a need to see the other happy as often as possible. When one of us is unhappy the other can find no comfort.
I believe myself to be incapable of marital infidelity, but I got to thinking how in the Hell is it possible for a man with ADHD to have a woman on the side, so-to-speak. It makes no sense and it defies much of what I know about ADHD.
You have already put in the work.
Marriage happens in most cases following a series of specific events. Two people meet, they get to know each other, and the man gets up the courage to ask the woman out. For a year or so, they go out to eat, they go to movies, and they go shopping, and do things together. Eventually he proposes and she says yes, and blah blah blah, a bunch of money, decorations, and a big white cake later they are married.
I don’t even know how I managed to do all those things, but don’t you worry, there done. It inspires me that anyone with ADHD would go through the horseshit of dating, and many of us not only go through it, but follow through and see it to the end.
As I said I love my wife, but even if I did not, I would never be unfaithful. I would not shit-can all the effort I put into making these things happen and have to go through the whole process again because shit on that. It is just too much work. This is why I stayed with my first wife for so long. My desire to be lazy was greater than my desire to be happy. Apparently I was willing to deal with a constant pain in my ass as long as it was sitting down in a chair. Perhaps an ADHD spouse in some cases is just too lazy to be unfaithful.
Do you hate yourself ?
If you are married and you are ADHD then you have gone through an unthinkable amount of pain in your ass to get there, but getting married is the easy part. Being married and staying married can also be a challenge. This is another reason I do not understand why someone with ADHD would cheat on their spouse. If you are a man and you take up with a woman on the side, you cannot imagine what you are getting yourself into. If you are ADHD, chances are pretty good this will likely be something else at which you suck. If you can’t keep track of your keys, than you probably wont be able to keep track of your women.
It is just simple mathematics. Two women is twice the normal amount of women for one man. That is twice the gifts, twice the nagging, twice the pain in the ass, twice the complaining to listen to, and twice the things you must remember. It takes a special person to attempt such a thing because you have to be twice the asshole. I don’t publicly judge people but I will say, without apology, if you are a person with a faithful spouse and/or kids, then your current extramarital affair disqualifies you from being my friend. How could I trust a person who cannot be honest with his or her own family, to be honest with me?
Free advice, from Tom Nardone
I never was one to say, ” I’ll never get married again.”, after my first wife hauled ass on me. I would not want to be with any woman unless we were married. I guess I need that level of commitment. I don’t want to let someone get that close to me, unless it is somewhat difficult for them to leave. Perhaps I am a little insecure in this regard, so be it. I am married and I love it. Yvonne is the greatest wife for me in the whole world, and no other woman has a chance. No matter what they are, they will never be Yvonne.
During the dating phase, be the person you are. There is no reason to bullshit the person with whom you could potentially have a future. Hell, I showed up at my first date with Yvonne wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. I did not do it for show; I did not even consider what I wore. She didn’t say a word about my clothes. I am not suggesting you wear a onesie, or a batman outfit for all of your dates, but if you will be the person you are then no one will ever expect more from you. This will help to prevent you from disappointing them down the road. You let them know from the start who and what you are.
If you try to be the person you think they will like, then you are destined for failure. You might think it is a fun game for a while but it is just middle school bullshit. Trust me, you do not have what it takes to be this other person for the long term, and you will fail and then you will stop giving a shit. If you are an asshole, you need to be an asshole during the dating process. If you forget something important, say you forgot something inportant. Tell the truth. If they stick around then you have something great. If they leave then you avoided a catastrophe down the road.
Many ADHD people do this. We are afraid, or just tired of being alone, but if you are married you know there is no worse feeling of loneliness, than the silence that follows a fight with a person you love.
You cannot and you will not serve two masters. Serve yourself and if this also satisfies the needs of the other person, than you both may have something very special someday. It is my hope if you are not already there, you someday soon will be.
I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.
Or you can enter you email address at the top of this page and click the button that says “BE AWESOME” or you could just leaving and risk never again hearing the benefit of my counsel again, but what would be the fun in that?