I do not judge anyone for the tidiness of their house or of the room in which they spend most of their time. People who live in hampers shouldn’t throw dirty laundry. There is however, one thing I can do, and I do this better than anyone else on earth. I can help you see the squalor that is your den, living room, or bedroom could be your saving grace.
YOU! Take a moment. Look around the room you are in. Do you see neglect? Do you see laziness? Do you see the sum of all the things you know you will never begin, and the tasks you will never complete? NO? Then you are in someone else’s room. Get up and go to your area of the house. Now you see it.
Throughout our lives, our loved ones have pleaded, begged, prayed and encouraged us to pick up our shit. This has been a challenge we have battled for our whole lives. I don’t want to squash your dreams but if you are past the age of thirty and you are still in this category, chances are you are here to stay. I am right here with you so you are in good company. Our lack of attention regard for this can grant us rewards.
90% of all the fun shit in my life takes place in a pit-of-shit, I refer to as my man-cave. The other day I was here, and I was drinking my favorite beverage; cranberry juice. I was drinking it from the half gallon bottle it comes in when the bottle got a little slippery and fell to the floor. Cranberry juice was getting all over the carpet, which is a huge problem because I was thirsty and did not want to go out to have to get more.
Once I rescued my juice and made sure the lid was secure, I had to clean up the floor. My wife puts up with tons of bullshit from me because she loves and understands me. She does not understand stains on the carpet though. I was able to clean this up immediately and remove it before it stained the carpet. Other than my being awesome, there were other reasons for the speed at which I was able to execute this.
I did not run downstairs for napkins, or run to the bathroom for a wet towel, or water. The reason I did not do those things was everything I needed to clean my floor was right here in my man-cave, and in abundant supply. I quickly grabbed the wet towel from last night’s shower off the floor and went to work on the stain. Then I noticed an old half-full container of bottled water under my sofa. There were “floaters” in the water as it had become stagnant, and while I will agree, it was unfit for drinking, it was great for cleaning up cranberry juice. After my circular motions had removed the Cranberry stain from sight, I had to dry my carpet. I looked no further than my man cave. Drying my carpet was not delayed either, like a game of chess I just reached a little to my right and grabbed a hand full of dirty clothes to round out this amazing exhibit of damage control. I dried the carpet with a pair of pants and a few t-shirts and Voila!
Stain gone! Ass covered! I win! Tom Nardone!
I was done before any of these well-organized neat freaks would have returned from gathering their supplies. There cleanliness and there organization would have been all that was needed to ensure the cranberry juice set in permanently. The strategic position of the clothes and discarded food in my man-cave saved the day in the end.
It frightens me to consider the tragedy of this happening in a clean and neat room. Our families do love us, and they may claim they would like us to be neat clean and orderly about the way we live among them, but they will all sing a different tune when the cranberries hit the carpet.
I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome
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